genesis, chapter 37

It seems to me that whenever anyone talks about the book of Genesis, they only ever mention Noah's ark or Adam and Steve. The fact of the matter is, these terse, boring stories only last about a page or two each. Even the Cain and Abel story, which I always assumed would be rich and multi-layered and full of hatred and jealousy and barely-disguised rage, lasts a grand total of 630 words. The wacky travails and adventures of Jacob/Israel go on and on, ad infinitum. Here we are, ten chapters after we first met young Jacob, and he's still going strong.

Incidentally, I never realized that the name of the state of Israel came from the name of a person in the Bible. It's certainly a fitting name for the war-torn country, though: according to my Bible, the name means "struggles with God," (though "struggles with Muslims" would have been even more fitting). That name is much better than "he grasps the heel," which is what Jacob means. (Apparently, this expression meant "to decieve," which was an apt description of Jacob before he became Israel, and was also a literal description of how he was born, grasping his brother's heel.)

I hope Jacob/Israel sticks around. Between his many wives, his crazy goats, and his sadistic sons (who sell their brother Joseph to some Egyptian merchants because he dared to dream of a day when they would all serve him), Jacob is by far the most entertaining character in this storybook so far. It's no wonder the Jews named their country after him.

Quote of the chapter:

"Here comes that dreamer!" they said to each other. "Come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams." (37:19-20)

Ouch. That is harsh. Like, it's not bad enough that they're planning to kill their brother. They have to make a snide, cutting remark about his dreams while they're doing it. It's like the verbal equivalent of killing someone and then pissing on their corpse. Also, the text doesn't specify who spoke these words. It just says that all of Jacob's sons saw Joseph in the distance, and then they said this in unison, I guess?

Also in this chapter, both Jacob and Reuben (his oldest son, who must be at least forty years older than Joseph) tear their clothes when they are tricked into thinking that Joseph has been killed. (37:29, 34). I suppose this is meant to be metaphorical or hyperbolical, but it is a very funny image: "Joseph's dead? Rrrrghar! Jacob smash!"

genesis, chapters 27, 29, and 30

So, a disturbing turn of events in Jacob's life. For those who are keeping track, Jacob is the younger son of Isaac. He usurped Isaac's dying blessing by pretending to be his older brother, Esau (apparently each blessing can only be given once, and Jacob got all the good stuff), meaning that Esau got the left-over blessings: "Your dwelling will be away from earth's richness ... You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke off your neck." (27:39-40). Man, that barely qualifies as advice.

But then—oh, snap!—Jacob is hoisted by his own petard by his future father-in-law, Laban, who sends his ugly daughter, Leah, to bed with Jacob. Jacob has sex with her because he thinks she's Rachel, the pretty one. Daaaaamn!

Anyway, Jacob is justifiably upset, considering he spent seven years working for Laban for free so that he could earn the right to bang Rachel. And then, out of nowhere, Laban pulls the old, "Eldest daughters have to marry first" trick, and tricks Jacob into sleeping with his ugly daughter. He certainly knows how to boost his daughters' self-esteem. After Jacob "finish[es] the week with Leah," (finishes doing what, exactly?) he gets to marry Rachel, too, (29:29) illustrating once again Biblical contempt for marriage between one man and one woman.

Also in this chapter, the origin of another sacred ritual: having children to compensate for a loveless marriage. Since Leah is sad and ugly and unloved, God impregnates her and makes Rachel "barren" (29:31). Leah's reaction to the birth of her son? "Surely my husband will love me now." (29:32) But, alas: "She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too." (29:33). She eventually gives birth to a total of seven kids, and each time is convinced that having kids will cause her husband to love her. Oh, and it totally works, just like it does today.

Lots of other crazy shit happens in chapter 30, inlcuding both wives pimping out their servants to Jacob so he can have more kids, Leah buying sex with mandrake root (and Rachel pimping Jacob for mandrake root), and Jacob getting normal goats to give birth to speckled goats by making them have sex in front of branches (what?). Also, Jacob is kind of a jerk?

Furthermore, is everyone stupid? How could you not recognize your own son/wife? People in Biblical times sure were easily fooled.

genesis, chapters 17 and 28

One of the main things I was interested in when I started this project was religious rituals. I don't claim to know everything about specific rituals performed in every denomination of Christianity and Judaism, but I am familiar with some, and I was curious about their origins. Well, circumcision is a pretty big ritual, one that's become so commonplace that it's peculiar to not have a baby boy circumcised. This ritual is established in Genesis 17:10, when God tells Abraham that this is the covenant Abraham and his descendents must keep in exchange for having the land of Canaan as their home. God gives no explanation for this strange request, but makes it clear that "Any uncircumcised male ... will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant." (17:14) I suspect that the real reasons circumcision became standard practice were hygienic, not divine. I mean, this is weirdly specific mythology, but it's really no different from any other myth that gives and ancient explanation for a current practice.

Anyway, I've come up with my own ritual, derived from Genesis 28:18. Whenever I'm sleeping somewhere new, or somewhere I haven't slept for a while, I'll put a stone under my head (or my pillow) for the night. Then, in the morning, I'll "set it up as a pillar and [pour] oil on top of it." (28:18). The book doesn't specify what type of oil to use, but I'm sure EVOO will work fine. Doing this will mean that the place I have slept is a "House of God" (28:19), and will be blessed. Maybe I'll even carry a particular stone with me, a Jacob Stone, and a small bottle of EVOO, everywhere I go, just in case. Nice. This has all the makings of a sweet religious ritual. I can't wait for my next sleep-over!

genesis, chapter 10

There are some great, oft-overlooked Biblical names in this book. Stand-outs include Gomer, Kittim, Put, Ham, Peleg, Eber, and, of course, the great warrior Nimrod. I was actually curious how Nimrod went from great hunter to bumbling idiot, so I looked it up on Wikipedia. According to them, the lexicological leap is thanks to Bugs Bunny, who once called Elmer Fudd a "poor little Nimrod." Several other sites seem to confirm this etymology, proving once again that Looney Tunes is the greater cultural influence.

It is interesting to note that Gomer had a similar transformation, though it is less clear where this one came from.

genesis, chapters 3 and 5

So far, my major impression of the book of Genesis is that it reads like a much more boring version of One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Parts of it, like the ages of Adam's descendants, seem like they were written by a child just learning about adding big numbers:

"When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son ... and he named him Seth. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years ... . Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died." (5:3–5)

"When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan. And after he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years ... . Altogether, Enosh lived 905 years, and then he died." (5:9–11)

"When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years ... . Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died." (5:18–20)

Other sections engage in obvious retconning, like when part of Eve's punishment for eating from the tree of knowledge is that God "will greatly increase [her] pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." (3:16) So, now you know why child birth is so painful. Women just brought it upon themselves. Yeah, try telling that to a woman in labor. This bit is immediately followed by a nice throwaway line that seems to justify patriarchy and misogyny: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (3:16, emphasis added)

Genesis also explains why people wear clothes: it isn't because they got cold and needed a way to keep warm. No, far from it. It's because they had knowledge. Knowledge of their nakedness, which resulted in shame and a need to cover their private parts. Also, snakes apparently eat dust. (3:14)

More than anything, however, I'm struck by the fact that The Bible is in no way an instruction book. The reader is never addressed personally and told to behave in the ways that Noah, or Abraham, or Lot behaved. At least not so far. I'm curious to find out whether this will change. Maybe Genesis is like the preamble. Like at the end of Genesis, it'll go, "and so-and-so begot you, so listen up, because everything else in this book is instructional and tells you exactly how to live your life, right now, in the present, in the year 2006 C.E." I doubt it, though.

Also of note is that God made Marquez (among others) a much better writer than Himself. You'd think the definitive literary work of...ever would be a bit more compelling and a bit more evocative than this. I'm not sure if He's still working on Bible III, but if He is, He really ought to inject it with a little more zazz.