genesis, chapter 38

I get accused of being naïve quite a lot, usually because I am. I tend to be kind of slow realizing the implications of a lot of the hipocrisy and institutionalized discrimination in the world. Like, I'll say something like, "What in the hell is Bush talking about all the time when he says we need to 'win' in Iraq? What does that mean? Win what?" And then all the people standing around me, usally complete strangers on the subway platform, will look at me, like, "Duh. We've been saying that for years, guy."

So, maybe I just don't pay close enough attention to the news as it's happening, which is also probably why I get all these great ideas for articles, like, two news cycles after the fact. I just need to be alone to process all this to a point of understandingness.

What, exactly, does any of this have to do with the Bible, you might be asking yourself? Well, I've been reading it for a while, and noticing that it's pretty blatantly sexist, and how all these sexist passages have been responsible for a lot of the sexism in the world. Just like Biblical "justifications" for homophobia and greed, passages that refer to women as men's property are often pointed to as justification for sexism in the real world.

But then, all of a sudden, in the middle of this chapter, I just started thinking about the dudes who actually wrote the Bible, and wondering about where their sexism came from. Like, where did people ever get this idea that women are inferior to men? Seriously. I know this is one of those questions that will undoubtedly inspire a "duh" response, but I feel like most people don't actually think about the causes of this deep-seated hatred that most of the world has for women. Where did it come from? Could things have just as easily gone the other way, or was men's generally greater physical strength the determining factor?

What would a world ruled by women who discriminate against men look like? This is the kind of question that the excellent TV show Sliders was not afraid to examine in its first two, excellent seasons. After that, it pretty much turned into typical, crappy sci-fi fare. Maybe someday someone will reboot the series with some clever retconning. I know people have tried, but fanfic does not a new series make.

Anyway, I'm getting off track here. The reason this chapter really got me thinking about sexism was not that Judah keeps marrying off his dead son's wife as though she is his property, but that he seems to think that buying the services of a prostitute is perfectly fine and normal, but being a prostitute is punishable by death. This is, like, the definition of a double standard.

The story is, Judah has a son named Er, which has to be the worst name ever. I think maybe Judah jumped the gun on this one:

"Hey, Shua. What should we name our son?"

"Oh, I hadn't really thought about it. Hmm. Um, er..."

"That's it! Er! His name is Er!"

"Uh..."

"Nope. It's too late to change it now. We already decided on Er."

Anyway, Er married Tamar, and then did...something...that made him wicked in God's eyes (the actual God's eyes, not those yarn things you made in elementary school). It is never specified how, exactly, Er was wicked, but whatever it is, he is put to death for it. Judah decides to make his second son, Onan, marry Tamar, so that Er can have children. I'm not sure exactly how this would work, but it's just further proof of the sexism in the Bible. Even though Er is dead, any children his widow has are his children, even if his sperm is not involved at all, and even though he's, you know, dead.

Speaking of sperm, Onan turns out to be just as wicked as his older brother, but at least this time we know what he's done that makes God so angry: he spills his semen after having sex with Tamar. He didn't want to produce children for his brother, so he pulled out and spilled his semen on the ground. Weird. Maybe he should have just not had sex with his brother's widow.

Also, someone should tell him that coitus interruptus is not an effective method of birth control. Apparently, however, it is the one form of birth control approved by the Church. Oh, wait. No it isn't. God kills Onan for pulling out. Ouch. Guy can't even not have sex with his brother's widow without being smote.

So, Judah wisely decides to not sacrifice his last son by marrying him off to Tamar, even though he tells her he's going to. Well, apparently, Tamar wants to have a baby as badly as Judah wants her to have a baby, so one day, when Judah goes into the city, she changes into prostitute clothes and sneaks out to the city, also. Judah sees her, but doesn't recognize her, because her face is covered (again, are Bible people completely incapable of recognizing other identifying features of their family members, like maybe body language and voice?)

Not realizing she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, "Come now, let me sleep with you." (38:16)

So, I guess we finally know the provenance of the well-known Canadian slang, "roadside." Anyway:

About three months later Judah was told, "Your daughter-in-law is guilty of prostitution, and as a result she is now pregnant." (38:24)

Oops.

So, I'm taking bets: who thinks Judah's response was a critique about how the ills and unfairness of modern society have forced some women, who have been cast out of their households, to resort to prostitution to support themselves, and how this practice of prostitution could not thrive if there were not a market for it, and thus, everyone is little to blame for forcing people to stoop to this level, but he, Judah, is especially to blame because he actually recently went to a prostitute, for no real reason except that she was there, and rather than censuring this woman or punishing her, the town should work together to heal their society and address the root causes that led to this depravity?

Anyone? I'm giving a billion to one odds on this. You stand to make a lot of money. Anyone? No? Well, that's smart of you, because what Judah actually says is, "Bring her out and have her burned to death." Nice. You didn't seem to have any problem with prostitutes when you were nailing one, guy. But now that she's your daughter, the whole situation's a little more real, isn't it? Well, guess what? Every woman is someone's daughter. Think about that.

Fortunately, Tamar is tricky, and she manages to let Judah know that she was the prostitute he slept with without telling everyone else, so he suddenly does a 180, like, "Oh my god, you guys. I just realized: we can't hate prostitutes. Oh, man, it's so clear to me now. She's actually righteous."

So, then Tamar gives birth to twins and there's some nonsense with red string and which one is born first, which will probably come up later, but right now seems pretty stupid, like just about everything else these people do.

One last thought: Imagine what life would be like if we still used goats as currency. Like, your wallet would have to be huge.

genesis, chapter 37

It seems to me that whenever anyone talks about the book of Genesis, they only ever mention Noah's ark or Adam and Steve. The fact of the matter is, these terse, boring stories only last about a page or two each. Even the Cain and Abel story, which I always assumed would be rich and multi-layered and full of hatred and jealousy and barely-disguised rage, lasts a grand total of 630 words. The wacky travails and adventures of Jacob/Israel go on and on, ad infinitum. Here we are, ten chapters after we first met young Jacob, and he's still going strong.

Incidentally, I never realized that the name of the state of Israel came from the name of a person in the Bible. It's certainly a fitting name for the war-torn country, though: according to my Bible, the name means "struggles with God," (though "struggles with Muslims" would have been even more fitting). That name is much better than "he grasps the heel," which is what Jacob means. (Apparently, this expression meant "to decieve," which was an apt description of Jacob before he became Israel, and was also a literal description of how he was born, grasping his brother's heel.)

I hope Jacob/Israel sticks around. Between his many wives, his crazy goats, and his sadistic sons (who sell their brother Joseph to some Egyptian merchants because he dared to dream of a day when they would all serve him), Jacob is by far the most entertaining character in this storybook so far. It's no wonder the Jews named their country after him.

Quote of the chapter:

"Here comes that dreamer!" they said to each other. "Come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams." (37:19-20)

Ouch. That is harsh. Like, it's not bad enough that they're planning to kill their brother. They have to make a snide, cutting remark about his dreams while they're doing it. It's like the verbal equivalent of killing someone and then pissing on their corpse. Also, the text doesn't specify who spoke these words. It just says that all of Jacob's sons saw Joseph in the distance, and then they said this in unison, I guess?

Also in this chapter, both Jacob and Reuben (his oldest son, who must be at least forty years older than Joseph) tear their clothes when they are tricked into thinking that Joseph has been killed. (37:29, 34). I suppose this is meant to be metaphorical or hyperbolical, but it is a very funny image: "Joseph's dead? Rrrrghar! Jacob smash!"

genesis, chapters 27, 29, and 30

So, a disturbing turn of events in Jacob's life. For those who are keeping track, Jacob is the younger son of Isaac. He usurped Isaac's dying blessing by pretending to be his older brother, Esau (apparently each blessing can only be given once, and Jacob got all the good stuff), meaning that Esau got the left-over blessings: "Your dwelling will be away from earth's richness ... You will live by the sword and you will serve your brother. But when you grow restless, you will throw his yoke off your neck." (27:39-40). Man, that barely qualifies as advice.

But then—oh, snap!—Jacob is hoisted by his own petard by his future father-in-law, Laban, who sends his ugly daughter, Leah, to bed with Jacob. Jacob has sex with her because he thinks she's Rachel, the pretty one. Daaaaamn!

Anyway, Jacob is justifiably upset, considering he spent seven years working for Laban for free so that he could earn the right to bang Rachel. And then, out of nowhere, Laban pulls the old, "Eldest daughters have to marry first" trick, and tricks Jacob into sleeping with his ugly daughter. He certainly knows how to boost his daughters' self-esteem. After Jacob "finish[es] the week with Leah," (finishes doing what, exactly?) he gets to marry Rachel, too, (29:29) illustrating once again Biblical contempt for marriage between one man and one woman.

Also in this chapter, the origin of another sacred ritual: having children to compensate for a loveless marriage. Since Leah is sad and ugly and unloved, God impregnates her and makes Rachel "barren" (29:31). Leah's reaction to the birth of her son? "Surely my husband will love me now." (29:32) But, alas: "She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, "Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too." (29:33). She eventually gives birth to a total of seven kids, and each time is convinced that having kids will cause her husband to love her. Oh, and it totally works, just like it does today.

Lots of other crazy shit happens in chapter 30, inlcuding both wives pimping out their servants to Jacob so he can have more kids, Leah buying sex with mandrake root (and Rachel pimping Jacob for mandrake root), and Jacob getting normal goats to give birth to speckled goats by making them have sex in front of branches (what?). Also, Jacob is kind of a jerk?

Furthermore, is everyone stupid? How could you not recognize your own son/wife? People in Biblical times sure were easily fooled.

genesis, chapters 17 and 28

One of the main things I was interested in when I started this project was religious rituals. I don't claim to know everything about specific rituals performed in every denomination of Christianity and Judaism, but I am familiar with some, and I was curious about their origins. Well, circumcision is a pretty big ritual, one that's become so commonplace that it's peculiar to not have a baby boy circumcised. This ritual is established in Genesis 17:10, when God tells Abraham that this is the covenant Abraham and his descendents must keep in exchange for having the land of Canaan as their home. God gives no explanation for this strange request, but makes it clear that "Any uncircumcised male ... will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant." (17:14) I suspect that the real reasons circumcision became standard practice were hygienic, not divine. I mean, this is weirdly specific mythology, but it's really no different from any other myth that gives and ancient explanation for a current practice.

Anyway, I've come up with my own ritual, derived from Genesis 28:18. Whenever I'm sleeping somewhere new, or somewhere I haven't slept for a while, I'll put a stone under my head (or my pillow) for the night. Then, in the morning, I'll "set it up as a pillar and [pour] oil on top of it." (28:18). The book doesn't specify what type of oil to use, but I'm sure EVOO will work fine. Doing this will mean that the place I have slept is a "House of God" (28:19), and will be blessed. Maybe I'll even carry a particular stone with me, a Jacob Stone, and a small bottle of EVOO, everywhere I go, just in case. Nice. This has all the makings of a sweet religious ritual. I can't wait for my next sleep-over!

genesis, chapter 10

There are some great, oft-overlooked Biblical names in this book. Stand-outs include Gomer, Kittim, Put, Ham, Peleg, Eber, and, of course, the great warrior Nimrod. I was actually curious how Nimrod went from great hunter to bumbling idiot, so I looked it up on Wikipedia. According to them, the lexicological leap is thanks to Bugs Bunny, who once called Elmer Fudd a "poor little Nimrod." Several other sites seem to confirm this etymology, proving once again that Looney Tunes is the greater cultural influence.

It is interesting to note that Gomer had a similar transformation, though it is less clear where this one came from.

genesis, chapters 3 and 5

So far, my major impression of the book of Genesis is that it reads like a much more boring version of One Hundred Years of Solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Parts of it, like the ages of Adam's descendants, seem like they were written by a child just learning about adding big numbers:

"When Adam had lived 130 years, he had a son ... and he named him Seth. After Seth was born, Adam lived 800 years ... . Altogether, Adam lived 930 years, and then he died." (5:3–5)

"When Enosh had lived 90 years, he became the father of Kenan. And after he became the father of Kenan, Enosh lived 815 years ... . Altogether, Enosh lived 905 years, and then he died." (5:9–11)

"When Jared had lived 162 years, he became the father of Enoch. And after he became the father of Enoch, Jared lived 800 years ... . Altogether, Jared lived 962 years, and then he died." (5:18–20)

Other sections engage in obvious retconning, like when part of Eve's punishment for eating from the tree of knowledge is that God "will greatly increase [her] pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children." (3:16) So, now you know why child birth is so painful. Women just brought it upon themselves. Yeah, try telling that to a woman in labor. This bit is immediately followed by a nice throwaway line that seems to justify patriarchy and misogyny: "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (3:16, emphasis added)

Genesis also explains why people wear clothes: it isn't because they got cold and needed a way to keep warm. No, far from it. It's because they had knowledge. Knowledge of their nakedness, which resulted in shame and a need to cover their private parts. Also, snakes apparently eat dust. (3:14)

More than anything, however, I'm struck by the fact that The Bible is in no way an instruction book. The reader is never addressed personally and told to behave in the ways that Noah, or Abraham, or Lot behaved. At least not so far. I'm curious to find out whether this will change. Maybe Genesis is like the preamble. Like at the end of Genesis, it'll go, "and so-and-so begot you, so listen up, because everything else in this book is instructional and tells you exactly how to live your life, right now, in the present, in the year 2006 C.E." I doubt it, though.

Also of note is that God made Marquez (among others) a much better writer than Himself. You'd think the definitive literary work of...ever would be a bit more compelling and a bit more evocative than this. I'm not sure if He's still working on Bible III, but if He is, He really ought to inject it with a little more zazz.